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How often have you received a NO for one or more of your requests or questions? Several times! What do you start feeling when the “door” of No is closed on to you? Your feelings might open up; Embarrassment, Anger, Sadness, Irritation!! And That’s quite natural.
And Why do you feel what you feel? Some of your needs are not met because of the “NO”. Let us understand this with the help of an example.
Vanita(wife) to Prakash(husband): May I skip that family function?
Prakash: NO.
Vanita is angry at the “No” she just heard. A typical response when one is angry is either to dig up any past unpleasant experience or raise one’s voice or start judging the other person. What if Vanita could handle her anger, calm down and ask herself “ What is Prakash saying “Yes” to?”. The conversation could be something like this.
Vanita: Prakash, I see that you are keen I come along with you to the family function? What is it that you are keen about?
Prakash: I need your company and want to attend the function as a couple.
Vanita: I need some rest and there are a lot of chores to be done before I can step out.
At this juncture, both Vanita and Prakash have stated their needs. Now, it’s up to them how they would like to fulfill each of their needs. Prakash could assist Vanita in the chores or Vanita could push the chores to some other day. There are several ways both their needs can be handled. If nothing works out, Vanita could still say a “ No” and stick to it.
The trick :
The whole trick is to identify and manage the initial emotions that arise when one hears a ‘NO”. You may then identify the “Yes” behind that “No”.
Step 1: Identify your emotions and acknowledge it.
Step 2: Identify the “Yes” behind that “ No”.
Step 3: Talk it out.
The Steps to managing a “No”
Step 1: Identify your emotions and acknowledge it.
Managing emotions involves identifying the emotions and acknowledging it in your mind. Following examples give you an idea of how exactly it could be done.
And it’s so natural to feel what you feel when you hear a “ No”. Acknowledge it and empathize with yourself.
Step 2: Identify the “Yes” behind that “ No”
Now that you have identified and managed your emotions (and it’s not as simple as it logically sounds here!), pause and ask yourself “ What is the “ Yes” behind the “ No”?”. Here is an example of how it works. (This is an actual conversation between me and my 11-year-old son.)
Child: Amma, Could you download a game for me?
Me: Hmmm, Well, I am not for it
Child (voice raised): Do you know that other children do not ask their parents before downloading the game? Please, Amma.
Me: I am sticking to my No.
Child (calms down, thinks and then….): Amma, what are your worries about downloading the game for me?
As you see, the child is exploring the “ Yes” behind my “ No”.
Step 3: Talk it out.
Once you have explored the “Yes” behind the “No”, talk it out.
While I said “No” to the new game, I said “Yes” to studying, eating on time, healthy eyesight etc. We then got to discussing and found a solution. My “ No” turned into a “Yes” with several riders attached to it!
Are these steps so easy and logical as they sound?
A big No!
How exactly can you then manage the “No” and master your emotions associated with it?
Well! Only by failing to manage it a couple of times!! You may want to adopt a process of self- reflection after each emotionally charged unsuccessful “No” experience. Your self-reflection could involve the following questions :
Going through this self-reflection process after an unpleasant “No” experience would fine-tune your response mechanism to future “ No”s.
The Final Word :
A “ No” to your request is a “Yes” to something else. Identifying that “Yes” can help you deal with the “No” or sometimes even help you convert it to a “Yes”.
Despite following the steps 1 to 3 as suggested above, the “No” might not change to a “Yes”. Do we get everything that we wish for? Not always? So, dust the “No”, relax and move on.
I leave you with this quote from Dodinsky “The key to being happy is knowing you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go.” So, accept the “No” and let go of the unpleasant emotions associated with it.
Cheers!
Mathangi R, Educator, Ekya J P Nagar
The ‘YES’ behind each ‘NO’ – Ms. Mathangi Rajasekaran, Teacher At Ekya School JP Nagar
Visual Arts Club - Students displayed their work on handloom weaving: the practice of weaving cloth and tapestry. It is a labour intensive (intensive hand-movement) and a meditative process. Students were provided with a wooden frame, and cotton yarn to work with. They started off by preparing the base for weaving, make a basic checked pattern and then progressed to geometric patterns of their choice.
Debate Club students displayed written articles where they had put forth their thoughts on their learning throughout the year.
ICT Club - Students built an Educational game such as helping young kids with Math and English, teaching Indian Geography etc, Quiz on different subjects. They displayed their work with a lot of zeal to the parents.
Students of PA club showcased Rangana Kolu and Bagu Kolu dance forms, the traditional folk dance of the state of Karnataka. It is performed with coloured sticks and usually involves both men and women dancing together. Students from the ‘Editorial Club’ showcased their talent in the ‘Meet the Author’ session held at the school library. Our budding authors narrated their literary works i.e. short stories and poems. It was a great opportunity for the students to present their ideas as well as sharpen their writing skills. During the event, the first time authors unfolded their stories, shared insights on what inspired them to take the first step in their journey of writing. The energy and efforts were very well demonstrated through the narration of stories and are a testimony of their confidence. Each one read a part of their short stories followed by feedback from parents. The affirmations received on the event gave motivation to every individual to achieve greater heights. The students of Grades 5 to 9 organised the Fundraiser event. They had worked meticulously for the last few months, making handmade art and craft items and other utility articles which were put on sale. Parents and students treated their taste buds with some delicacies prepared by the staff and students. The proceeds of the Fundraiser event will be directed in sponsoring the education of girls of Grades 6 to 10, studying in St. Anthony’s School, Banashankari, under the care of the Calvary Chapel Trust. The Calvary Chapel Trust is a child care institution providing education and a family environment to HIV infected and affected children. A wide range of after-school activity has been planned for the next academic year 2019-20. Vendor showcase for the same also took place parallelly for parents and students.
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